DMs From Beyond the Grave Are Changing How We Grieve

DMs From Beyond the Grave Are Changing How We Grieve

“When you experience those feelings and memories, it’s a little bit like losing someone all over again.”

This October, when NaKina Talbert glanced out the window of her temporary home in Guatemala and saw a volcano erupting less than 100 miles away, her first instinct was to snap a photo. “It’s pretty far away, but it booms like a cannon!” she tagged the image, with an arrow pointing to the volcano.

Talbert, a 58-year-old painter and former project manager from Dallas, Texas, then logged into her account on SafeBeyond, a digital legacy platform. Here she uploaded the image to her “vault,” a cache of photos, videos, audio messages, and letters she plans to have sent in installments to various family members after her death. There is the message for when her granddaughter (now 14) turns 21, the video for the first Christmas Talbert’s son (now 37) will spend without her, letters to her future great grandchildren (should there be any), and a slew of recordings from the bucket-list trips she has taken over the last year.

Talbert’s visit to Guatemala is her seventh such trip, though she doesn’t know how many more she will be able to make. According to her doctors, she wasn’t even supposed to live this long.

In 2014, Talbert was diagnosed with progressive supranuclear palsy, or PSP, a rare and fast-acting neurodegenerative disease with symptoms similar to Parkinson’s. She soon began making preparations. She knew she wanted to leave her children and grandchildren recordings of her voice—when Talbert’s father died nearly 40 years ago, that was the thing she forgot first. “I can still see his face as clearly as if it were yesterday,” she told me. “But I can’t quite grasp his voice anymore.”

She found SafeBeyond about a year after being diagnosed. It’s one of a growing number of services, including DeadSocial and GoneNotGone, that allow people to posthumously send video, audio, and text-based messages to their loved ones at planned times. Users of these services could presumably schedule annual birthday videos to be sent to family members from beyond the grave, or write notes, as Talbert has, to be dispatched to future descendants they will never meet.

Most of these services require payment through a subscription plan or a one-time storage purchase. DeadSocial, one of the more prominent digital legacy companies, currently boasts over 12,000 users, according to its founder. It is unclear, however, exactly how many people have signed up across the industry.

Talbert, for her part, is also leveraging SafeBeyond to help plan her funeral, for which she has many requirements. One is that her whole family wear tie-dye, she explained, because she loves the idea that someone will drive by, see a bunch of people crying, and “think they all just got fired from Joe’s Crab Shack.” Her main hope, though, is that SafeBeyond will help her family through their grief once she’s passed away. She has messages planned to be sent throughout their initial year of mourning, including one her son will receive on his first day without her. To Talbert, these messages are a way to reach out and support her kin from the afterlife.

But if we can now regularly receive direct digital messages from deceased loved ones, how is that changing the way we mourn their passing?

Image: NaKina Talbert

It’s a newer wrinkle in a much older question—how is technology shaping our relationship with death?—and an emerging field of scholars have already devoted themselves to studying it. Preliminary research suggests consistent posthumous communication in fact can have a positive influence on recipients coming to terms with loss.

Debra Bassett, a doctoral candidate at the University of Warwick who researches the impacts of death in the digital world, believes that posthumous messages can help their recipients return to a place of grief when they need it most. In general, “most people that I have researched are finding these things a comfort,” Bassett said.

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Still, the answer might vary depending on circumstance. In “Shadows of the Dead: Social Media and Our Changing Relationship with the Departed,” a study Bassett published earlier this year, she interviewed individuals who have revisited digital communications from deceased loved ones. She found that while re-reading emails or text messages has indeed helped many people grieve, listening to audio recordings is more complicated. A number of participants, according to the study, felt that “they need to already be having a ‘bad day’ to listen to voice recordings, and that this is done only occasionally and after much consideration.”

And for many people, no matter the mode of communication, receiving a posthumous messages might feel like an ambush.

Lori Earl, whose daughter Esther died of cancer at the age of 16, was shocked when she received an email from Esther around three months after her death. Earl was at a meeting when she received a text from her husband: Do not open your emails until after your meeting, it read. She soon understood why.

A few years earlier, it turned out, Esther had written a note addressed to her older self. “Future me,” it began, “I hope you’re doing better than present me.” Her parents hadn’t known about the letter, which had been sent via the service FutureMe, until it unexpectedly hit their inbox.

it’s current Friday, January 14 of the year 2010. just wanted to say: I seriously hope that I’m alive when this posts. B)

— Esther (@crazycrayon) February 18, 2011

Soon after, a tweet appeared on Esther’s timeline: “it’s current [sic] Friday, January 14 of the year 2010. just wanted to say: I seriously hope that I’m alive when this posts. B).” The tweet went live in February 2011, over six months after Esther died. No one is sure what service was used to post the message.

At first, her mother was jarred. Reading communications from her late daughter reignited her grief. “When you experience those feelings and memories, it’s a little bit like losing someone all over again,” Earl said.

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The tweet still evokes raw feelings. But eventually the Earls came to hold Esther’s posthumous letter as a source of comfort. Reading it felt like conversing with their daughter, something they dearly missed. Even now, Earl said she finds herself going back to it. “We do read from it often, because it’s such an insight into who [Esther] was and what she hoped,” she said.

Earl, who has since memorialized Esther’s life in the bestselling book This Star Won’t Go Out, compares confronting posthumous digital messages to wiggling a loose tooth: It hurts every time, “and yet you can’t leave it alone.” Feeling pain, to her, is better than feeling nothing. And “while a letter may be painful,” Earl added, “it will always in some way be healing.”

“It’ll be the last new thing from him, which will be so, so hard. But at least I get a new thing, so many years after the fact.”

Peter Barrett, founder of GoneNotGone, says he wants to avoid posthumous communications catching recipients by surprise. Message recipients have to consent to see messages left for them through the service, Barrett noted. They receive an email that provides a GoneNotGone login, and can disable the service at any time if it makes them uncomfortable.

Barrett genuinely believes that companies like his will help people come to terms with loss. “If you know you are going to hear from someone again and again on your birthday, it becomes something to look forward to,” he said. “The person remains in your life despite not having a physical presence.”

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Emma Rose, a 19-year-old college sophomore, would agree. When she was 12, Rose’s uncle died after a three-year battle with brain cancer. Today, she remembers him as a Cookie Monster tattoo connoisseur, a fan of Say Yes to the Dress who spoiled his nieces with vacations to Disney World.

An infant Rose and her uncle. Image: Emma Rose

Prior to his passing, Rose said, he wrote physical letters to be sent to her and her sister at various stages in their lives—one immediately following his death, another at his memorial service a month later, and a third to be opened on her and her sister’s respective wedding days. Rose has yet to read the third.

“With cancer, there’s always an element of mourning where you feel as if something’s been stolen from you,” she told me. “I’m not sure a single holiday or birthday has gone by where I haven’t had a moment of, ‘He should be here.’ Knowing that on my wedding day I won’t have to feel like that,” she added, “that a part of him will actually be there, is amazing.”

In fact, Rose draws so much comfort from the specter of this final letter from her uncle that it actually makes her nervous. “It’ll be the last new thing from him, which will be so, so hard,” she said. “But at least I get a new thing, so many years after the fact. Not a lot of people do.”

In the end, it seems, her uncle got his wish. Rose thinks his great fear was that she and her sister would forget him, since they were young when he died. He didn’t want to slip out of their lives; his analog letters were an effort to remain close to them. “In a way it’s kinda like he cheated death,” Rose said. “Like, ‘lol cancer you thought you were gonna prevent me from talking to my nieces on their wedding days? NICE TRY!’”

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Her uncle might not have used an online legacy platform to schedule his messages—instead, Rose’s aunt is delivering his letters. But Rose’s experience is nonetheless analogous to that which might soon be shared by loved ones of those who turned to the likes of GoneNotGone, DeadSocial, and SafeBeyond to effectively curate their digital afterlives.

As for Talbert, she hopes to achieve what Rose’s uncle has. She wants her potential great grandchildren to know that their “crazy great grandmother” once sat in a hammock and watched a volcano erupt from her window. “I think people are most interested in things like that,” she said. “Just cool stories.”

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Contact Our Walworth County Estate Planning Attorney

Contact Our Walworth County Estate Planning Attorney

walworth county digital estate planning assets

Are you addressing your digital assets when planning your Walworth County estate? Digital assets do not solely affect younger generations, they affect all generations. Now that our digital world involves social media, emails, online investing, cloud storage, and more, you must address what will happen to your digital assets after your death.

walworth county digital estate planning assets

What Are The Various Types of Digital Assets?

In general, digital assets consist of any type of information stored online, in the cloud, or on a person’s computer, phone, or server. Samples of digital assets are: emails (Outlook, Hotmail, Gmail), online investing information (E*Trade), online financial information, online bank accounts, online bill payment accounts (PayPal), social media profiles (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram), online photos, online videos, blogs, websites, domain names, online video game accounts, avatars, medical and prescription information (Patient Portals, Walgreens), all files storage on your computer, your smartphone data (address book, contacts, photos), etc. Some people may have digital assets with a monetary value, such as online businesses, photographers, authors, etc. Your digital property and memories will be lost if family members are unable to retrieve and access your data.

Why Must I Protect and Plan for My Walworth County Digital Estate?

Traditionally, financial information and bills are sorted at the deceased’s estate. In today’s day and age, many people pay bills online, through the creditor website or through their bank’s online bill pay program. With so many companies going paperless, all of your estate assets and debts may be inaccessible strictly through a paper trail.

If you have a social media profile, such as on Facebook, what will happen to your profile? You must leave specific instructions and login information for family if you want a say in what happens to your Facebook profile. If you do nothing, family may argue about whether to leave your page as a memorial or to delete it. There may be strong feelings attached to these options. If no one has your login information after your death, your family must contact Facebook to have your profile either removed or memorialized. Which would you prefer? Which would your family prefer?

Lastly, many states do not have laws enacted to protect digital assets after your death. Who will own this information? Your photos, videos, and family recipes are at risk. Is the information transferable?

The fact is that Wisconsin is not keeping up with how digital assets are handled in an estate after a death. This will create stress, arguments, confusion, and possible extra expenses for your living family. Your first step is to prepare a list of all your digital assets and login information. Contact our Walworth County estate planning attorney to ensure the Personal Representative of your Last Will & Testament is given the proper information and instructions to manage your digital assets. You can contact our Walworth County estate planning attorney via phone at 262-725-0175 and via email on our website’s contact page. Wynn at Law, LLC has estate planning offices located in Delavan, Salem, Lake Geneva, and Muskego.

How to Manage a Client's Digital Estate After Death

How to Manage a Client’s Digital Estate After Death

In our exploding digital world, it’s essential to help clients plan for both their real-life and digital estates.

There are many questions involved: Who’s in charge when it comes to digital property? Who wants to approach a widow who is grieving about taking down the deceased’s account? Do family members have the right to access their loved one’s account after a death? Would the individual who has passed want family members to access their content, or to have the account removed? Is it possible to commemorate the person by memorializing the accounts?

These conversations can go well beyond the topic of social media. It’s important to consider all the digital assets of the deceased, including email accounts and websites for online bill paying, retail accounts such as PayPal and photo sharing accounts. These sites contain sensitive personal information and financial data that could pose privacy concerns if left unattended indefinitely.

PLANNING TIPS

Here are some pointers to pass along to clients and their families, and tips for you to consider for your own planning needs.

First, consider the key questions to ask your clients:

What social media platforms do you use?

What are your passwords?

What would you like to happen to these accounts after you die?

Then:

Document the Stated Goals. And, if applicable, share these with the client’s attorney or whomever your client names as their “digital executor.

Leverage Technology. There are many client portals available today to house important client documents.

Provide Legal Documentation. When individuals pass suddenly, or if they haven’t outlined their wishes for terminating a social media account, each of the major social media channels will typically request legal documentation in order to begin the closure process (check out this helpful infographic from Mashable).

DELETING DIGITAL ASSETS

However, this is a very new area, and each of these sites is in its infancy in terms of putting together policies. We have heard heartbreaking stories of people who put all their photos on Facebook and haven’t provided anyone with a password. Upon their passing, Facebook was not able to give the family access to the account, and all the photos were lost.
Here’s a quick rundown of what is required by the most popular networking sites when discontinuing a social media account:

Facebook: Facebook has two options for what to do with a deceased family member’s account.

  • Memorializing a profile. This feature allows the account to be viewed but not edited (with the exception of a legacy contact allowed to make one final post, usually regarding funeral arrangements, etc.)
  • Terminating an account. An individual can deactivate a profile by completing a Special Request for Deceased Person’s Account; it is necessary to provide your relationship as well as a copy of the deceased person’s death certificate, birth certificate or proof of authority for the family member handling the deactivation.

LinkedIn: There are two options to handle a deceased person’s account.

  • What is needed. If you have the password of the individual, you may follow LinkedIn’s instructions to simply close the account. However, if you do not, there is a process to terminate the account that requires you to provide certain information about the deceased person.
  • Who can do it: In LinkedIn’s case, it can be any one of the following: immediate family (spouse, parent, sibling, child), extended family (grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin) or non-family (friend, co-worker, classmate).

Twitter: Twitter will work with the estate to remove an account.

  • What is needed: Fax copies of the death certificate and your government-issued ID (such as a driver’s license), along with a signed, notarized statement and either a link to an online obituary or a copy of the obituary from a local paper.
  • Who can do it: A verified immediate family member of the deceased or a person authorized to act on behalf of the estate.

YouTube: As YouTube is affiliated with Google, you must reference the policies on Google’s site. It provides for a number of options, including closing the account and requesting funds from the account.

  • What is needed: To terminate a YouTube account, you can begin the process here.
  • Who can do it: Immediate family members and representatives.

Keep in mind that social media accounts often change their policies, and it’s important to revisit procedures even after you’ve had a conversation about terminating an account.

ADVISOR’S ROLE?

You might wonder if discussing social media with your clients should actually be part of your role as a financial advisor. I believe this is a major planning need for your clients, and one they may not be thinking about. As an advisor, your role in these sensitive conversations about a little-understood space is a key one – and may help you to stand out from the competition.

I believe it will eventually become commonplace to discuss social media and a client’s digital footprint when preparing long-term financial plans and wills. Right now, most people don’t know where to start.

And one thing is certain — no one wants to put their loved ones in the awkward position of having to decide what to do with their accounts during the difficult period following a death.

Amy Sitnick is the social media contributor for Practically Speaking and also serves as a Senior Marketing Manager for the SEI Advisor Network.

The New World of “Digital Legacy”

The New World of “Digital Legacy”

Let us ask you two questions: do you have any social media account? Have you named your Facebook / Twitter / LinkedIn heir yet? If the answer to the last question is no, you might be interested in reading more. Obviously, we do not want you to be thinking of your death for the 2 minutes that will take you to read this blog, but this is something that will happen to us all.

What happens to my Facebook account when I die?

Early last year Facebook allowed their users in the United States to plan what do they wanted to do with their accounts once they have died. This facility was soon rolled out to the rest of the world and brought to mind the importance of what will happen to a person’s digital assets once that person has passed away. We could define “digital assets” as everything we upload to the internet and, along with other assets, it is important to plan what we want to do with them once we are deceased.

Digital assets must be included in people’s wills with the instructions that the executors should carry out after a person has passed away.

How to treat digital assets?

  • Social Media accounts

Some of the social media platforms include in their terms and conditions the possibility to say how this specific asset will be dealt with after a person’s death or when there has been no activity in the account for a certain period of time.

  • Photos and videos online

Generally, these assets will only have sentimental value so they can be left to family and friends as a gift of personal possession.

This, obviously, is different if such photos or videos have any monetary value.

There are some rules for certain social media platforms. For example, Twitter removes images of a deceased person in restricted circumstances.

  • Emails or the information stored in them

Here some people might have information that could cause distress to their loved ones after their death. This information should be deleted in lifetime.

People who own businesses should carefully handle how the emails will be accessed after death. Although this can lead in a more in depth discussion relating to business succession plans.

  • Intellectual property online

It should be treated identically to paper records and it covers everything from blogs to domain names, gaming avatars, online books.

This is a short guide on how to treat your digital assets. Should you need more information, you can contact our expert team of solicitors dealing with wills. They can guide you on what to do with your online assets with advice tailored to your own circumstances and needs.

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